JOKES

Here is a collection of some of my favorite jokes that I have collected over time. I hope you enjoy them. Check back as I will be updating and adding more.

YOU WORRY FOR Me
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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Tragic Accident at the Brewery
Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.
"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."
"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.
"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery."
"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."
"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."
Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"
Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."
"NO?"
"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."

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The Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery.
Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money.
He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

~~~~~~
So, this guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in just don't start anything."

BAR JOKES

So,this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."

So, this termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

So, these two strings walk up to a bar...
The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar...
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders...
The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

So, this grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper smiles. "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

So, a three legged dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

So, a hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

So, a guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.

So, two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a salted.

So, two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite."

So, two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first says,
"Yeah, I'm positive."

So, a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over, "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"Yeah," replied the barkeep, "it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman.
She, of course, turns him down. Not willing to give up, he pleads with her,
"C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later, making conversation, the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices."

Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

FAMOUS DRINKING QUOTES...

-"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."--Ernest Hemmingway

-"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."--Winston Churchill

-"He was a wise man who invented beer."--Plato

-"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."--His reply

-"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."--Henny Youngman

-"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."--Benjamin Franklin

-"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

-"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."--Humphrey Bogart

-"I drink to make other people interesting."--George Jean Nathan

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

-"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."--Dean Martin

-"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."--Homer Simpson